Saturday, April 12, 2014

Scar Tissue

About a month ago, I watched Twelve Years a Slave. I felt hot and had this gnawing nausea in the deep pit of my stomach that lasted for several days. I often have this visceral, bodily reaction to stories, films, and news and that shake my faith in humanity.  As a post-hysterectomy endometriosis, adenomyosis, polycystic ovarian syndrome, and pelvic adhesions survivor, I am sure hormonal imbalances could explain part of my incendiary response.   

The film is an adaptation of Solomon Northup's autobiographical account of being captured as a freed man in the north and sold back into slavery in the south in the mid-19th century.  While it is a harrowing tale of Northup's horrific experiences and survival as a well-educated slave in this "peculiar institution," it is also more broadly an examination of the dehumanization and hatred required to maintain and reproduce institutionalized and internalized systems of oppression. 

Two scenes of extreme brutality stuck with me. Envious of the favoritism the relatively merciful plantation owner shows the thoughtful artisan Northup, a white worker on one plantation assaults him. Northup fights back.  A severely beaten Northup is hung from a branch with his toes barely touching the muddy ground, tenuously hanging to life.  Other slaves and workers on the plantation, scarcely showing awareness of the "strange fruit" hanging in the tree, mill about and continue with their daily activities as he struggles to gain a foothold in the mud.  The scene is distressingly protracted.  The harder he struggles, the more he moves the mud out from under his feet.  The mud is the ground upon which his embodied existence depends, and he unwittingly aids his march to death the more he tries to get grounded. Toward the end of the scene, one female slave risks her life by bringing water for Northup to sip.  Eventually, the plantation owner cuts him down. 

Because Northup would likely have died at the hands of his white attacker if he stayed on this plantation, he is sold to another slave owner, Epps, who is known for his "expert" and vicious "breaking" and "taming" of unruly slaves. It is on this plantation that Northup meets Patsey, Epps' prized possession, a slave who expertly and feverishly picks more cotton per day than other slaves on the plantation. Epps has taken a keen sexual interest in Patsey and rapes her repeatedly. Epps' wife is aware of his sexual proclivities and verbally and physically assaults Patsey, at one point throwing crystal at Patsey's head, scarring her face.  The (sexual) assaults become more frequent and abusive, and Patsey begs Northup to kill her. 

Patsey leaves the plantation one day to make a trip to a neighboring plantation to get soap as Mistress Epps would not allow her to have any to wash herself. Epps confronts her when she returns. She tearfully pleads with him, saying that her odor, undoubtedly made worse by Epps' stench, makes her gag.  At Mistress Epps' urging, Epps orders Patsey to strip her clothing, and he ties her to a whipping post.  He commands Northup to whip her.  Epps becomes frustrated with Northup's perceived lack of force in his whipping, takes the whip and nearly whips Patsey to death. The brutality of this scene is unsettling at best and made me feel physically ill.

After more than a decade as a slave, a Canadian worker helps Northup get word to his family. Northup wins back his freedom and returns to his family in New York.  There is no such sanctuary for Patsey, clearly distraught as her friend Northup leaves.  Presumably, she continues living a private and isolating hell as a cotton-picking sex slave. 

The story of contemporary slavery is the story of Patsey.  Walk Free estimates that nearly 30 million people around the world are (sex) slaves.  An overwhelming majority are girls and women, and poor girls and women of color are particularly vulnerable to becoming sex slaves in the global human trafficking trade.  Many are sold as child brides. In recent weeks, President Jimmy Carter has made news for his book, A Call to Action, where he focuses on the abuses and atrocities girls and women face across the globe.  According to Carter, the world lost more than four times the female fetuses and infant girls than the 40 million deaths in World War II to abortion and infanticide in this generation. 

While certainly the global sex trade affects more girls and women where extreme poverty is entrenched as a way of life, girls and women in the developed world also face the effects of a truly global rape culture that values women for their bodies, sexuality, youth, and reproduction.  In the U.S., from the Steubenville rape case to the Cleveland house of horrors, it seems that rape culture is everywhere yet goes largely unnoticed.  One in four women on college campuses are sexually assaulted. The sexual assault of female military personnel is rampant. Rape culture encourages women who do not meet the standard of beauty represented in the airbrushed centerfolds of pornography and Victoria's Secret models to purchase cosmetic tools and services to re-shape their faces and bodies, including everything from make up to breast augmentation and labiaplasty.  Rape culture casts women who refuse to conform to male adolescent sexualized fantasy as bitches and those who do as whores.

My students are often shocked when I show the film Dreamworlds 3 in my gender and sexuality course.  The film very clearly demonstrates links between what music producers and artists construct as female sexuality in music videos and scenes of real sexual violence, including video camera footage from the sexual assaults that occurred in Central Park during the 2000 National Puerto Rican Day Parade in New York City.  As in other forms of media, most music videos construct female sexuality as insatiable, ever-present, as available even when women say no, and as inextricably connected to objectified body parts.  Music videos largely depict women as interchangeable as long as they meet the standard of the male pornographic gaze.  As Sut Jhally, the producer of Dreamworlds 3, asserts, the problem is not that music videos present women as sexual beings. The problem is that record label owners are predominantly wealthy, white heterosexual men, and their stories about female sexuality, including the sexuality of women of color, are the only stories told.  Thus, these stories deny women as subjects and deny women the right to construct their own version of sexuality. 

Many of my students, particularly my male students, say that they have never really noticed the explicit messages about women's sexuality and rape culture in music videos until I show this film where the images are stripped from the audio track and analyzed as narratives.  This is not surprising as sexual objectification and violence have become so normalized that they hide in plain sight.  For example, one recent disturbing piece of research on the messages contained in British men's (or lads') magazines found that most of the young male participants had trouble distinguishing between quotes from men's magazines and quotes from interview transcripts of convicted rapists in prison. Many young men identified more with the quotes from convicted rapists than with messages in men's magazines. [1]  Another study, published just this month in Gender and Society, reports that girls and young women rarely report sexual assault because they view such abuse as typical and normal.[2]

What is to be done, then, to address women's global (sexual) subordination and abuse? From a public policy and international law perspective, President Carter outlines twenty-three steps for progress on women's rights. From a more personal perspective for everyday life, the most proactive political thing you can do is what you do in the bedroom, or wherever you have sex.  Hold women up as they grapple with creating their own version of sexuality through their experience of sexual pleasure.  Support them so they do not strangle themselves as they struggle to ground themselves in their embodied existence as a sexual human being in the muddied world of rape culture.  Tethered to objectified images of women as little more than interchangeable body parts, the more they struggle to be seen, the more they embody the sexualized fantasies of the male pornographic gaze, the further their humanity diminishes as they (unwittingly) aid in their march toward sexual victimization. 

Men and women lovers, make women's sexual satisfaction a priority.  Help women to feel confident enough to cut themselves loose from the stranglehold rape culture has on their sexual identities and self awareness. Because the messages our culture sends girls and women about how to be and appear feminine and sexy prevent many from verbalizing their desires and needs, and encourages them to suppress those needs and desires while they take care of others, ask women to tell you what feels good and what does not, what they desire and what they do not desire.  Do not assume that what felt good for one woman also feels good for another. Newsflash: Women are not all the same! It may take some time for women to be comfortable enough to tell you what they want as they have been taught for a lifetime that having sexual desire is dirty and whorish, but keep asking.

Men and women, but men especially, do not keep going about your business when others are (sexually) abusing and degrading girls and women.  In much of the research on rape culture, men either report that they or other men believe that women deserved to be punished with sex when they do not respond to men's sexual advances. It is disturbing how much of the language boys and men use resembles the language of slave owners who believed that slaves had to be "broken" and "tamed," repressing their animal natures in servitude to their masters. Some men report that they believe women have to be "broken," "whipped," "controlled," or "fucked hard" in sexual servitude.  Do not be like the other plantation workers who go about their daily activities without doing anything about or even acknowledging the strange fruit hanging in the trees. While I know it seems that the stakes were much higher under the peculiar institution of slavery where one could lose his or her life for helping or fighting back against the oppressor, we do not know how many girls and women we lose to suicide, murder, or a lifetime of sexual servitude when no one stands up for their interests and safety.  "Un-normalize" the normalized.  Call other men out on their sexism and misogyny when they objectify women and call them bitches and whores, especially when there are no women around to hear. 

Women, stop supporting women's degradation and abuse through denigrating and abusing other women who are struggling to find their foothold.  Stop being Mistress Epps.  Patsey's whipping in Twelve Years a Slave was particularly gut wrenching but also important in showing how patriarchy and racism are mutually constructive systems of oppression. Mistress Epps' jealousy and abuse of Patsey are inexcusable. Yet, they are representative of her powerlessness in a system where her desires and needs are subordinated to her husband's, and she has very few opportunities for self-determination.  Instead of seeing Patsey as the victim of rape, Mistress Epps punishes Patsey, almost to her death. This racialized denigration of other women who "cannot keep their legs shut" as "welfare queens," "hoes," "bitches," and the like, continues today and prevents women from fighting some of the common sources of their oppression together, although the oppression women of color face is not the same or equal to the oppression of white women.   

All women struggle with creating a (sexual) identity within a contradictory culture where it is almost impossible to get it "right." If women are sexually chaste, they are admonished for being a prude. If they seek pleasure in sex, they are shamed for being a slut.  Yet, women are defined by their sexuality everywhere you look.  Women, we need each other.  We need to be building each other up instead of tearing each other down.  We need the fire of women-defined sexual liberty and satisfaction to be able to tell Patsey's story and prevent herstory from becoming the contemporary story of being woman.

[1] Horvath, Miranda A. H., Peter Hegarty, Suzannah Tyler, and Sophie Mansfield, "'Lights on at the End of the Party': Are Lads' Mags Mainstreaming Dangerous Sexism?" British Journal of Psychology (2011).
[2] Hlvaka, Heather R, "Normalizing Sexual Violence: Young Women Account for Harassment and Abuse." Gender & Society (2014).

Sunday, March 2, 2014

March is Endometriosis Awareness Month--What Does Endometriosis Feel Like?

I think one of the biggest impediments and delays in endometriosis diagnosis is that we teach our girls to expect pain during menstruation, and they do not know how to distinguish "normal" menstrual cramping from pain symptomatic of disease pathology.  Another impediment is that we are illiterate when it comes to speaking and understanding pain language.  We do not have an objective instrument to measure the kind and degree of pain we experience.  There is the pain scale found in nearly every doctor's office.  The faces representing 0-6 range from looking happy to mildly constipated. 

As an endometriosis patient and someone with a genetic spine malformation, for pain that looks like it would measure 0-6, I would not go to a doctor's office.  I would manage it on my own and hope that tomorrow is better.  For many endometriosis sufferers who have acute episodes of pain and present to doctors' offices or the ER, which is often a humiliating experience, it becomes a delicate negotiation between trying to explain your pain and trying not to look like a "drug seeker."  Unless you have a gunshot wound, a rusty nail sticking out of your eye, or pieces of a dashboard impaled in your chest, reporting a 10 will get you labeled a "drug seeker."  The choices left are 7, 8, and 9.  

Perhaps a better scale comes from one of my favorite blogs, Allie Brosh's Hyperbole and a Half.

In addition to difficulty in describing intensity, there is the difficulty of describing the quality of pain.  Some descriptors that physicians use include: aching, burning, cramping, crawling, crushing, heaviness, icy coldness, intermittent, numbing, piercing, pounding, pressure, sharp, shooting, sore, stabbing, tearing, tenderness, throbbing, tightness, and tingling.

If I had to describe my worst endometriosis pain, prior to having spine surgery, I would have described it as a 10.  Spine surgery is my new 10, and my worst episode of endometriosis pain is a 9.  I would describe it variously as aching, burning, sharp, shooting, and especially stabbing. When I described it to my endometriosis excision specialist, I said it felt like what I imagine it would feel like if a little monster was inside my abdomen and pelvis stabbing me repeatedly.  I've never really been stabbed before, other than perhaps with a pencil in elementary school, so it is hard to say.  It was definitely qualitatively different from the intestinal cramping experienced during a bout of diarrhea.  

Along my journey to an endometriosis diagnosis and treatment, I was referred to a GI doctor as my diagnosing ob/gyn did not believe me when I said I felt worse after he fulgurated (burning the surface of endometriosis lesions) the endometriosis in what was supposed to be a diagnostic laparoscopy.  This ob/gyn said that I probably had IBS too. Fortunately, the GI doctor he referred me to was a kind, wise country doctor who said that IBS was largely a catchall diagnosis when doctors have no other explanation for abdominal/pelvic pain.  He asked me to point to where it hurt, and I did.  I pointed to the left side of my pelvis, one space just above my hip, all the way up under my ribs, and radiating to the flank.  He asked me if the pain was always in the same place.  I said yes, and he said that it is not IBS then.  It is endometriosis.  I have to thank that country GI doc.  He saved me from returning to an ineffective ob/gyn and sent me along my way to finding definitive care at the Center for Endometriosis Care in Atlanta.

I have "met" women in various on-line support groups who have described endometriosis pain as worse than labor.  I recently saw a story on a local TV news station of a woman who unwittingly gave birth "naturally" in her own home, with her husband and a late-arriving paramedic assisting her.  She did not go to the hospital when labor pains started because she did not know she was in labor.  She expected labor to be more painful than her battle with endometriosis.  

What does your endometriosis pain feel like?  Please comment and share!  The more we can do to empower others to recognize when their menstrual pain is not normal, the better their health outcome!

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Snowmageddon Atlanta 2014--What Happened?

For an explanation about what happened in the Atlanta metro area after a "snowstorm," I give you this, Milton County.

Milton County

Secession from Fulton County

You probably didn't read this in the newspapers or see it on mainstream television. But, the real reason for the nightmare that unfolded in Atlanta is the historical legacy of Jim Crow and contemporary institutional racism. Atlanta is a sprawling mega-tropolis because white people do not want to live in the same neighborhoods as black people, and the construction, real estate, and mortgage industry encouraged and profited from white people's fear of black people, resulting in massive white flight. In addition, most southern whites fear "big government" which has resulted in Atlanta metro area fiefdoms that do not coordinate with each other and believe the best and only kind of good government is local government. Has anyone ever noticed how small Georgia counties are, geographically? Unfortunately, this kind of government does not work well when there is a large-scale weather event. While the mayor of Atlanta does not get a free pass, I also think he is unfairly getting a large share of the blame for the mess that happened in areas outside of his jurisdiction. And, to get back to Milton county, the folks in Alpharetta want this separate tiny county, mostly because they do not want to pay taxes for public services (like public education) for black people in southern areas of Fulton county. Yet, at the same time, they still want to be able to drive to Atlanta proper to enjoy the many things that Atlanta has to offer--The High, the Hawks, the Falcons. They just do not want to pay taxes to maintain the roads in that part of Fulton county. They want their own little county, or fiefdom, if you will. Many of the suburban areas outside of Atlanta have been fighting for years to oppose the expansion of the MARTA because they do not want black people to come to their lily white suburbs. They would rather pay for gas for their SUVs to sit in traffic for an hour an a half to get to and from work than to have to interact with black people on the MARTA. And, there you have it. (This is not an indictment of any particular suburban Atlanta white people).

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Snowden: Patriot or Traitor?

I admit it. I'm very conflicted about Snowden. This does not happen to me very often, as I have pretty strong feelings and reasoned arguments for why I do or do not support policies and beliefs. The question of where to draw the line between security and infringement upon privacy and freedom in the digital age is an important one. We need to have a(n) (inter)national conversation about what his revelations mean.

I am disheartened that many think this conversation is moot. Many see this infringement upon privacy and freedom as inevitable, something we can do nothing about, and agreeable considering the very real threats we do face in a glocalized world where we have nuclear and other weapons unaccounted and accounted for in the hands of people who clearly do not have good intentions.

I see the slippery slope argument, and the idea of the NSA spying on citizens is abhorrent to me. There is no way we can ever know how the government is going about mining data and what criteria they use as justification for "probable cause," if any at all. The law has not caught up to the capabilities for surveillance in the information age. I am not so certain that it is completely futile to try to draw these legal lines, for the law to progress on this account. I am not very hopeful either.

I do not think Snowden committed treason as a whistleblower, but I am unsure what he did do to negotiate asylum. He did something. The misinformation we get from the mainstream media makes it nearly impossible to form a reasoned opinion. The thought of what he might have done for asylum frightens me a bit. I wish I could believe in the justice system enough to say that what he did should be negotiated in court and judged by an impartial jury. But, I do not believe in the impartiality of our judicial system. Every side of this makes me completely uneasy. It is all very ugly.

I am not quick to hail him as a patriot. I do not have enough information to make a judgement one way or the other. It is unlikely that the public will know the truth about who he is and what he did or did not do. I am not naive enough to believe that we do not need surveillance considering the proliferation of (nuclear and other) arms in the world. I am also unsure how the line many imagine the NSA to have crossed in digital surveillance differs from surveillance prior to the digital age. Did not the CIA, NSA, FBI et. al. use questionable tactics in the past to obtain information? How do these tactics differ significantly from what they are doing now? I do not know. If you have thoughts on how this crosses a line they haven't crossed before, I am all ears. I am also not naive to believe that the government uses this program to go after the "bad guys," exclusively. The potential to frame anyone as "a bad guy" looms in the application of this program.

One of my friends commented that this story has him thinking about leaving the country. But, the truth is that there is virtually nowhere on this planet where the question of security versus freedom does not apply. There are a few "uncontacted tribes" left on this planet but only because there are people fighting every day for the outside world to leave them be. I have a feeling the loggers will eventually reach the uncontacted tribes in the Amazon between Brazil and Peru and sooner rather than later. There are places where most people are unaware of the politics and power that affect their everyday lives. But, these processes necessarily affect them in their glocal politico-economies. I am using glocal intentionally in that economies are indeed local but nearly all are connected to global political and economic processes.

I give Snowden credit. He has hit a nerve about where the world goes from here. This issue is much bigger than whether he is a patriot or traitor. It is about global politics, economies, war, and peace and life in a glocalized world in the information age. Perhaps I am making Snowden's revelations more complicated than they are. But, I do not think so.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Coming in from the Cold in the Height of the Summer

It is the height of the summer, and I find myself coming in from the cold tonight.  

Yesterday, the state of Florida executed John Fergusen, a man deemed clinically and legally insane who has a long history of paranoid delusions and schizophrenia.  Apparently, our constitution, its amendments, particularly the eighth, and its own legal precedents meant nothing to the Supreme Court.  You can read more about the legal precedence for not executing the mentally insane or incompetent in Andrew Cohen's article in the Atlantic yesterday here:

I was so disturbed by the fact that not one Justice dissented that I could hardly sleep.  I'm not sure how the lawyers and justices whose (in)action(s) resulted in the death of a mentally ill human being can sleep at night.  I felt hot all over, and had a big bowl of frozen yogurt to cool me down.  I was too hot to write.  I cooled some today, but I didn't want to chill for too long.

There are many reasons I am opposed to capital punishment.  It is ineffective as a deterrent for crime, it is more expensive than imprisoning someone for life, it is applied unequally based on race and social class, it is used as a political tool for the election of prosecutors and judges, and it is questionable whether it brings peace to the victims of families.  In many cases, the evidence is not clear (see for example, Troy Davis and Leo Jones).  Convictions are typically reached because defendants have incompetent and/or overworked and underpaid defense attorneys and are the victims of morally questionable and overzealous prosecutors who care only about winning and not about getting it right.  In some cases, the evidence is clear regarding who is guilty but the penalty is questionable because there are racial dynamics that affect the penalty phase of trials.  You can read more about these and other death penalty facts here:

More importantly, I am morally opposed to the death penalty.  I am morally opposed because it is hypocritical to murder someone for the crime of murder.  I am also morally opposed because of the untold human cost of taking the life of another person, even a person who is unquestionably guilty.  John Fergusen murdered several people.  There is no doubt.  There is also no doubt he was insane.  He had friends and family members, none of whom did anything to deserve the grief that comes with knowing the exact moment the state kills their loved one and the lasting effects that process has on the rest of their life.  He had lawyers and investigators who fought for his life to no avail because they are also opposed to state sanctioned killing. I cannot imagine the toll it takes to lose a case like that.

I also think of all of the people who have to carry out their actions in order for the death penalty to be administered--the corrections officers who have to walk the condemned to his final cell and the "death room," the "killing floor," the cook who has to cook the condemned's last meal, the people who administer the deadly cocktail, the health care professionals who monitor the "death process," the people in the viewing room during the execution.  I cringe at the thought of carrying out any of these actions.  What kind of world do we live in that people want to be involved in this process?  Are these the acts of a civil democratic society?  Is this justice for the victims' family?  I cannot be the only judge in answering these questions, of course, but I need to raise the questions.  And, so I do.

I am thankful for my friends Juan Melendez and Rosa, two people who are working tirelessly to overturn death sentences and the death penalty itself even against overwhelming support for this policy.

Today, I mourn the murder of a murderer, but at least I'm coming in from the cold.

Would you let the system make you kill your brotherman?
No, no, no, no, no!  No, dread, no!
Would you make the system make you kill your brotherman?
No, dread, no!
Would you make the system get inside your head again?
No, dread, no!
Well, the biggest man you ever did see was, was just a baby.

In this life (in this life), in this life (in this life, oh sweet life)
Coming in from the cold.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Brainzzzzzzz Nom Nom Nom

I would like to offer a positive interpretation of zombie-themed literature, film, and television shows. You could say that they are apocalyptic and symbolic of a postmodern world where people become the walking dead, unaware of their surroundings and guided by their basest desire for death and destruction, consuming the brains of the living. And, they are. They are also quite post-race, post-gender, post-social class... Usually those differences matter very little in zombie films. And, zombie films remind us that humans' most important attribute that makes them humans and distinguishes them from most other animals (some animals have complex brains too) is their brains, their minds, which they maintain through connection to other people, not other zombies.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012


Today is the first day since surgery number five in less than two years I awoke to my boyfriend's alarm and did not (want to) go back to sleep. I have had a hell of a time falling asleep since my most recent surgery.  I've tossed and turned, looking at the clock 2 a.m...toss, turn, toss, turn..3:15 a.m....toss, turn, toss, turn...4 a.m.  So, when I finally fall asleep, I have been only asleep for two or three hours when that alarm goes off. 

I've always had problems with falling asleep because I have a hard time turning my brain off.  I don't have anything in particular that I think about when I'm trying to go to sleep.  Mostly, I try to think of ways to trick my brain into turning off. Toss, turn, toss, turn OFF ALREADY, stupid brain!  But, thinking about ways to turn my brain off ultimately leads to more thinking and more of my brain laughing at my futile attempts to turn it off.  

When I'm in pain, I mostly shift around trying not to be in pain so I can sleep.  Pain is insidious.  It mocks me.  It makes me irritable.  It plays tricks with my mind, leading to more thinking about the cause of the pain.  Before my surgery, the pain had me convinced of a different ailment or post-surgical complication every night. 

I still have pain.  One of my endo sisters described the pain post-laparoscopy as like a hot knife running through your abdomen and pelvic region.  And, that makes sense, since indeed it was a hot knife of sorts, a laser, that ran through my pelvis to remove my remaining ovary, my cervix, and the adhesions that attached parts of my descending sigmoid colon to the left side of my pelvic wall.  

The pain today seems better than yesterday.  I actually felt good about facing the day and decided to take my dog for a short walk.  

The next challenge is to get my hormones straightened out and to get back to living instead of avoiding anything that increases pain. I think that is why I am having a particularly hard time falling asleep.  I'm now wearing an estrogen patch.   Tomorrow, maybe I'll start to figure out the next doctor I have to go see to get my hormones in balance.

Today, I have the pleasure of feeling better than yesterday.  When you have chronic pain, you learn to savor these moments because they seem so few.  I'm hoping each day gets better, but know I would be a fool to have such high hopes.  It cuts like a knife, or perhaps a laser, when tomorrow is worse than today.  Yet, somehow, I keep having high hopes on days like today.  

I'm not a fan of Bryan Adams.  I am a fan of silly 80s music videos.  Hoping it doesn't cut like a knife tomorrow.  The woman with way too much makeup getting dressed in a a bathing suit and jumping in the empty pool only to get wet in the end...that's deep, man.  ;^)