Monday, April 23, 2012

Convulsion Shits

This morning I awoke to the most god awful pain in my left side.  My pain, that endometriosis or my fucked up back may or may (have) not cause(d), has always been left-sided.   Maybe I was born a political lefty.  There is no way that can be genetic.  My dad had the bad back, my mom has the endometriosis, neither the political leanings I do.  The left ovary is the one that I blame for this whole mess.  I hope you are rotting in hell, you worthless piece of shit ovary.

My left ovary was removed last May.  It kept exploding with cysts.  Some may beg to argue with my characterization of ruptured ovarian cysts as exploding cysts.  I experienced them as exploding cysts.  They sent me to the ER on more than one occasion, most notably after exploding during sexual intercourse with my boyfriend.  Fuck you, left ovary.  That left ovary was stuck to my bowels with adhesions on my last two trips into surgery land for my endometriosis.  Adhesions--yet another term Firefox does not recognize.  It is scar tissue.  And, if you are wondering, yes, adhesions cause pain too.  They prevent organs from freely moving as they are intended to in your body, especially in your abdominal cavity.  Firefox really needs to add some medical terms to its dictionary.

My surgeon tried to save the left ovary.  I don't know why.  It was a worthless piece of shit and still causes me pain even though it is gone now.  I suppose I understand why the surgeon wanted to save it.  I've tried to save worthless piece of shit relationships, worthless piece of shit people, and this worthless piece of shit world on more than one occasion.  [Have I told you about the punk anarchist that sits on one shoulder and the hippie on the other shoulder?  The punk anarchist is screaming today.]

Following the god awful pain in my side were some bowel movements that sent me into convulsions on the toilet.  I have no shame anymore in sharing the bodily functions social mores have taught us to hide.  I want the world to know what it is like to live with this disease even after LAPEX (laparoscopic excision surgery), the "gold standard" of treatment for endometriosis. 

Although I have no scientific evidence for this belief, I believe that older bodies and minds scar more easily.  If you have ever watched a kid fall really hard and bounce right back up, you know that kids' bodies can more easily absorb impacts.  Although it seems devastating at the time, teenagers seem to recover more quickly from broken hearts.  I believe younger bodies and minds recover more easily from injuries, broken hearts, and surgery.  Less scar tissue is left behind.

Parents, grandparents, friends, and other loved ones, please listen to your girls.  If they tell you they are in pain, believe them.  If their menstruation pain cannot be resolved with over-the-counter medications, if it makes them miss school or family activities, if it makes them lie in bed curled in a fetal position, it is NOT NORMAL.  Talk to them.  Get them to a gynecologist that specializes in endometriosis, preferably an excision specialist.  I hope for a day when we do not have to cut girls and women open to cut out the endometriosis lesions that bleed and bind abdominal organs together [Shut up, you fucking hippie.].  We are not there yet.  But, we do have more and better LAPEX surgeons than we did when I was a teenager.  They are the best hope women with endometriosis have for living a relatively pain free life.  

I'm screaming on the left inside today from what may have been left inside. 

That is today's crotch report.

Signing off,
Jen Pem


  1. I feel it necessary to leave an addendum to this post. I hate my boyfriend after he takes a big poop. He always looks so HAPPY. I want to hit him. I don't because I don't want to be a party pooper, so to speak. I feel like I have just given birth to a watermelon after I poop. I'm exhausted and just want to collapse in my recliner.

    I don't know what my cycle is anymore since I am minus one ovary and a uterus, and I seem to have both cyclical and random spotting (I also still have my cervix). My BM pain had quieted for a time once my uterus was gone. But, it is back in full force. It doesn't always have me trembling and nearly gagging from pain as it did this morning, so there must be some cyclical component still going on, which is possible since I still have my right ovary. I always thought this horror was caused by the shit hitting the ovary and uterus (instead of the fan) as my bowel was adhered to both. But, now both of those are gone. I am wondering if there was endometriosis missed on my bowel or whether part of my intestines are adhered to my pelvic sidewall and/or my cervix. I guess I'll find out next month.

    I think most people might think I am being dramatic as everyone has experienced "cramps" from having a bout of diarrhea. I actually long for intestinal cramping associated with diarrhea. Diarrhea means less violent shaking with the passage of waste through my intestinal tract because it is less dense than normal shit consistency.

    That is how bad my poop hurts. The things "normal" people take for granted--nice poops.

    Don't ever accuse me of not being able to talk some shit.

  2. Hang in there Jen! I just recently started following your blog - I feel like you read my mind today! I'm right there with you, and off to a surgery consult later today.

  3. Wow. Well put. I'm left sided too! Leg pain, butt pain, back pain, endometrioma on the left. So much fun! NOT!
    I'm debating on having the excision surgery next month.
    Thank you!