Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Today

Today is the first day since surgery number five in less than two years I awoke to my boyfriend's alarm and did not (want to) go back to sleep. I have had a hell of a time falling asleep since my most recent surgery.  I've tossed and turned, looking at the clock 2 a.m...toss, turn, toss, turn..3:15 a.m....toss, turn, toss, turn...4 a.m.  So, when I finally fall asleep, I have been only asleep for two or three hours when that alarm goes off. 

I've always had problems with falling asleep because I have a hard time turning my brain off.  I don't have anything in particular that I think about when I'm trying to go to sleep.  Mostly, I try to think of ways to trick my brain into turning off. Toss, turn, toss, turn OFF ALREADY, stupid brain!  But, thinking about ways to turn my brain off ultimately leads to more thinking and more of my brain laughing at my futile attempts to turn it off.  

When I'm in pain, I mostly shift around trying not to be in pain so I can sleep.  Pain is insidious.  It mocks me.  It makes me irritable.  It plays tricks with my mind, leading to more thinking about the cause of the pain.  Before my surgery, the pain had me convinced of a different ailment or post-surgical complication every night. 

I still have pain.  One of my endo sisters described the pain post-laparoscopy as like a hot knife running through your abdomen and pelvic region.  And, that makes sense, since indeed it was a hot knife of sorts, a laser, that ran through my pelvis to remove my remaining ovary, my cervix, and the adhesions that attached parts of my descending sigmoid colon to the left side of my pelvic wall.  

The pain today seems better than yesterday.  I actually felt good about facing the day and decided to take my dog for a short walk.  

The next challenge is to get my hormones straightened out and to get back to living instead of avoiding anything that increases pain. I think that is why I am having a particularly hard time falling asleep.  I'm now wearing an estrogen patch.   Tomorrow, maybe I'll start to figure out the next doctor I have to go see to get my hormones in balance.

Today, I have the pleasure of feeling better than yesterday.  When you have chronic pain, you learn to savor these moments because they seem so few.  I'm hoping each day gets better, but know I would be a fool to have such high hopes.  It cuts like a knife, or perhaps a laser, when tomorrow is worse than today.  Yet, somehow, I keep having high hopes on days like today.  

I'm not a fan of Bryan Adams.  I am a fan of silly 80s music videos.  Hoping it doesn't cut like a knife tomorrow.  The woman with way too much makeup getting dressed in a a bathing suit and jumping in the empty pool only to get wet in the end...that's deep, man.  ;^)

2 comments:

  1. Hiya!
    I love your blog. I'm compiling a list of blogs that are about endo for a link page for my blog may I link to your blog?
    Here is a link to my blog: http://spyralsendojourney.tumblr.com
    Linking back isn't necessary I completely understand that I'm very much a small fish in a big pond.
    Thank You!
    Happy Trails!
    Spyral

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sure. I don't mind at all. And, thank you.

    ReplyDelete