Tomorrow I say goodbye to my remaining reproductive parts that qualify me as belonging to the category "female." I'm not really sure how I feel about this. Right now I feel nothing other than hunger and anxiety. I am not allowed to eat anything substantial today--only jello and broth. Jello. Ugh. I cannot adequately express how much I hate jello.
Tomorrow I will have my right ovary riddled with cysts removed. I doubt it is producing much estrogen. I will also have my cervix, the neck of the uterus, and my appendix removed. I may have a portion of my bowel removed. I will spare you the details of the bowel preparation I have to do today and tomorrow morning. Dave Barry's journal of a colonscopy preparation humorously sums it up.
While the initial days following surgery are sure to be painful, I hope that I will have less physical pain than I do now. The emotional pain will take much work.
I have said outwardly to many people that I did not want children. I wonder how much I was trying to convince myself because I knew that it probably wasn't in the cards for me or if that is how I really feel. I love kids. There are two in my life that I particularly love and am grateful to have.
It is quite another thing to lose the ability to have biological children completely. It is a loss that I will mourn silently with the hope that I will have gained freedom from the shackles of pain.
We often look back to pre-modern "healing" techniques and cringe--leeches, trepanning, blood letting, induced vomiting. I think we have made much progress. I thank the heavens for anesthesia. But, I can't help but wonder if future humans will look back on how many women are castrated today and cringe.
Today, my heart is hollow as I cringe and swallow hoping for a better tomorrow.
Wake up, going to wake up to nothing...and when your heart is hollow, another pill to swallow...Sister, sister, what did they do to you?