Tuesday, May 15, 2012


Tomorrow I say goodbye to my remaining reproductive parts that qualify me as belonging to the category "female."  I'm not really sure how I feel about this.  Right now I feel nothing other than hunger and anxiety.  I am not allowed to eat anything substantial today--only jello and broth.  Jello.  Ugh.  I cannot adequately express how much I hate jello.

Tomorrow I will have my right ovary riddled with cysts removed.  I doubt it is producing much estrogen. I will also have my cervix, the neck of the uterus, and my appendix removed.  I may have a portion of my bowel removed.  I will spare you the details of the bowel preparation I have to do today and tomorrow morning. Dave Barry's journal of a colonscopy preparation humorously sums it up.

While the initial days following surgery are sure to be painful, I hope that I will have less physical pain than I do now.  The emotional pain will take much work.  

I have said outwardly to many people that I did not want children.  I wonder how much I was trying to convince myself because I knew that it probably wasn't in the cards for me or if that is how I really feel.  I love kids.  There are two in my life that I particularly love and am grateful to have.

It is quite another thing to lose the ability to have biological children completely.  It is a loss that I will mourn silently with the hope that I will have gained freedom from the shackles of pain. 

We often look back to pre-modern "healing" techniques and cringe--leeches, trepanning, blood letting, induced vomiting.  I think we have made much progress.  I thank the heavens for anesthesia.  But, I can't help but wonder if future humans will look back on how many women are castrated today and cringe.  

Today, my heart is hollow as I cringe and swallow hoping for a better tomorrow.

Wake up, going to wake up to nothing...and when your heart is hollow, another pill to swallow...Sister, sister, what did they do to you?

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